Dawn of the Plushies
by Lady Emzebel
Summary: Two young women somehow break through the fourth wall to capture Hawkins and hold him at their mercy. After that, bizarre things start happening all over the Grandline. What's going on, damn it! Crack fic. Temporarily ON HIATUS. Will be resumed asap.
1. Prologue

Title: Dawn of the Plushies

Rating: T for language and sexual situations.

Pairings: Anything and everything. I warn you now, it's one helluva party.

Timeframe: Let's just say it's a deleted scene from the Shabondy Archipelago arc.

Warnings: Major crack, major OOC, self insert, het, yaoi, and just plain wrongness.

Disclaimer: After this, all of the One Piece characters will be insanely glad I don't own them. Meggie belongs to Inkheart and Emma belongs to me.

-----X3-----

The bedroom was dark, the door locked, and the heavy curtains closed against the night sky and the pale glow of the moon. Soft, unnatural blue light bathed two feminine figures seated before a laptop, both sitting cross legged and one chewing her nails anxiously.

"Don't do that, you'll give yourself a hangnail," one lectured the other. The gentle reprimand was ignored.

"Are you sure this will work, Emma?"

"Course it will, Meggie. Don't you have faith in my writing capability?"

"You know I do; but adapting manga into novel form isn't something you've attempted before."

"Megs, trust me, that's not going to be a problem. If anything, it's going to be your reading talent that pulls this off without a hitch."

"But what if it doesn't work? This could be catastrophic if something goes wrong, Em."

"Think positive. Besides...remember our goal. It's all going to be worth it, you'll see."

"I hope so."

"You ready?"

"No...but let's do it anyway."

The slender blonde reached for the laptop and pulled it onto her lap, frowning slightly at the small stark letters neatly typed on the Microsoft Word document. Then, she began to read, drawing a slightly awed sigh from her plumper, brunette companion.

_On the very precipice of the New World, the Shabondy Archipelago enjoyed another day of relative peace. Quite aside from the slave trade and the Tenryuubito's cruel regime, the atmosphere in the restaurant that which several of the Eleven Supernovas occupied was quite pleasant._

_In the corner of the aforementioned well-kept eatery, surrounded by his crew, there sat the enigmatic captain, Basil Hawkins. A man of a calm, inscrutable demeanour, his pallid face was the picture of serenity despite the tomfoolery around him._

The bedroom around the two girls appeared to fade as sounds of raucous laughter and the aroma of food and strong spirits filled the dark space. Before Emma's eyes the scene seemed to solidify until she was sure she could reach out and touch the man whom Meggie so avidly described.

_He was a tall man, very tall, and exceptionally pale. Long, golden hair flowed to brush against the top of his abdomen, and frame ruby-coloured eyes topped with tattoos—vertical spike-like bars—three above each flaxen eyebrow. Another tattoo—a small medieval cross this time—nestled in the hollow of his throat, laid bare by his open coat. _

_Basil wore nothing in terms of a shirt beneath the white, ruffled garment, revealing finely chiselled abs and pectorals, but clothed his legs in a pair of rich purple breeches and black lace-up boots. A black fur sash cinched at his hips, accentuating their subtle curves, above a pink silk scarf from which a single sword hung._

_Though the captain was not particularly renowned for his swordsmanship, what he was renowned for was his bizarre devil fruit ability... _

Emma blinked at a sudden presence and glanced towards the empty space of the foot of the bed...which wasn't quite so empty anymore. Her swamp-green eyes widened in delight and her mouth curved into a sadistic smirk of satisfaction. Moving slowly as to not startle Meggie—who was still reading—or their current visitor, she slipped her hand into her bra to fish for the vital item.

Basil Hawkins, a captain well-known for his unbelievably composed disposition, slipped very close to mild hysteria when his surroundings—the bar and his beloved nakama—blurred into non-existence and were replaced with a small dark room highlighted an eerie blue. He was so disoriented he failed to notice the trap until it hit him in the form of something warm and vaguely female-shaped and tackled him to the floor.

Without warning, something cold pressed against his jugular vein and he cursed softly as he recognised the dreaded effects of keiroseki flowing through his limbs, draining him of all strength.

Suspecting a marine ploy, he was surprised to hear a timid feminine voice sound out from somewhere by his feet.

"Em? What's going on? Are you okay?"

She was answered by a lower, raspier voice belonging to the girl currently straddling Hawkins' midriff.

"Don't worry, I've got him. The coral is a suitable substitute for sea stone it seems."

"Oh thank goodness."

"Just finish that last passage, kay?"

"Kay."

Hawkins was confused; the language these two girls were speaking was strange, entirely different from his own, and yet he found he could understand every word. Furthermore, being a magician himself, he could practically taste the enchantments being woven as the timid girl did as she was bade by the one pinning him down. Her voice was breath-taking, and he felt a pang of loss when she concluded the aforementioned passage with:

_...and thus, when Basil Hawkins first spoke to the outrageous girl perched atop his vertical form, the story began. _

The words faded into silence and something rustled briefly before a source of light was turned on—a bedside lamp it seemed—and Hawkins could finally identify the two perpetrators.

"Remind me again why we did that in the dark?" the girl who had previously been reading asked crossly. Free of casting whatever spell she had, her voice no longer sounded anything special.

"For dramatic effect," replied her partner in crime, offering a casual shrug.

Closest to the lamp, the girl there was a slender blonde. With her blue eyes, pert lips, and clear complexion, Hawkins was sure she'd have her pick of the boys any day...well, he would have been, were it not for her deer-caught-in-the-headlights expression as she noticed his appraising gaze.

The one straddling him was a young woman who could only be a few years older than the first. Her hair was a dark, dullish bronze, her eyes a strange murky hybrid of grey, green and blue, and her figure generously curved.

Though she was definitely no beauty like the first one was, her deviously wicked smile caught his attention far more effectively...and not in a good way either.

"Good evening, Hawkins-sama," she purred. The blonde girl moved closer and knelt beside Hawkins, nodding politely by way of greeting.

"Who are you?" Both girls looked equally surprised and elated by his response.

"Excellent, we can both comprehend each other."

"Well, I don't see why not Em; after all, Farid could understand and be understood even though he's supposed to be Arabic."

"True, very true. Well, Hawkins-sama, I am Emma and my friend here is Meggie."

"Nice to meet you," Meggie murmured.

"How do you know my name?"

Meggie looked like she was about to answer but Emma cut her off with an airy wave.

"We have our ways."

"Why am I currently pinned to the floor?"

"Ah, sorry about this but it's only a safety precaution," Emma informed him.

"Indeed," added Meggie, "We were not entirely sure whether our sources of information were completely accurate about your disposition, so we decided it would be best to do this until we know exactly what we're dealing with. We're only two defenceless girls after all..."

"Speak for yourself darling. I'll kick any man's arse that tries to take advantage of me," Emma hissed through her teeth, unwittingly pressing the coral painfully hard against Hawkins' skin, making him wince.

"Of course, how could I forget," Meggie soothed, "Em, you're hurting him."

Emma blinked in surprise and immediately lessened the pressure against Hawkins' neck.

"Sorry, Hawkins-sama."

"That's alright. But I would appreciate it immensely if you told me why I was here."

The girls looked at one another, and then simultaneously turned back to Hawkins. He gulped, uncharacteristically anxious, when the devilish grin reappeared on Emma's face coupled with a terrifying gleam in her eyes. Even Meggie lost her timorousness to smile mischievously.

"Well Hawkins-sama, we have a little...favour to ask of you."


	2. A Plot Unfolds

A/N: Ok, so I guess some things from the last chapter need explaining. First of all, Meggie (yeah, the hot blonde chick from the last chapter) is a character from Inkheart. For those of you who don't know, Inkheart is a trilogy about a girl (Meggie) who has the ability to bring characters from books to life by simply reading aloud. However, she can manipulate what might be brought out from the book when someone writes a specific passage about a certain something or someone, such as Emma did.

So yeah, hope that clears some stuff up.

Hope you like this better than the last chapter.

(Oh yeah, forgot to mention: written in part for Citrus-Sunscreen, who inspired this idea. The other part goes to...well, I suppose anyone nice enough to fave, review or add to alerts. Cheers!)

-----X3-----

Aboard a solitary marine ship, lurking about a particularly foggy path of Grandline ocean, a sinister plot had come to fruition.

In a private cabin, a dark snicker arose from a figure hunched over his desk, a small object concealed in his palm. Before him sat another figure, slouched in a chair, head hunched over, and his arms crossed. He made no sound. Neither of them seemed to acknowledge, or even remember, the presence of two easily impressionable minds in the room.

Two petty officers exchanged a dubious look, put extremely on edge by their superiors' bizarre behaviour, as they struggled to maintain their rigidly composed stances. One would have thought they be used to it by now...scratch that; there was nothing they could predict with the crazy vice-admiral and his scarily stoic subordinate.

"Bogart," rasped the sniggering form. The slouching figure grunted.

"It is time."

"If you say so, sir."

"I do say so. Hand me that manual."

Bogart did as he was asked, deviating from the command just a tad when he speared the aforementioned item with his sword and flipped it up to land on the desk with a startling smack.

The two teenagers gulped as streams of cold sweat dripped from their faces.

"V...v..vice-Admiral...G..Garp-sa...sama...," stuttered the one with shaggy pink hair.

"Heh, Koby?" The older man turned to look at him, his face contorted into a nightmarishly deviant grin.

"What is with that face?" squeaked Koby's blonde companion as he twitched in terror. The smile alone made him want to crawl under a desk with a blanket and suck his thumb, but coupled with Garp's menacing aura and Helmeppo was good and ready to hand in his resignation.

How Koby dared bring himself to the attention of the crazed aging marine Helmeppo never knew.

"P...perm...m...mission...t...to ask...k...what y...you're....d...doing, s...sir."

Garp reached for the manual and pulled it onto his lap, rifling through it before settling on a page and scanning it thoughtfully. Bogart answered for him, gruff and to the point as usual.

"Today is the day when Sengoku-sama and the Shichibukai meet up to condemn the former Government Pirate, Sir Crocodile, to Impel Down...and decide his replacement."

A pregnant silence fell.

Helmeppo quashed all hopes of escaping the room sane and opened his mouth to seal their fates.

"And what would that mean...sir?"

Bogart laughed, a rough wheezing chuckle that sent shivers down one's spine, and tapped his fingers absentmindedly against the hilt of his sword. Garp looked up again, his grin widening. The boys almost fainted.

"It means—Koby-kun, Helmeppo-kun—that we're going to have a little...fun."

-----X3-----

Dun dun duuuuun! Stay tuned, y'all.


	3. Atrocious Behaviour

A/N: This is probably going to be the longest chapter in the whole fic, by the looks of it. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. On the one hand, it's not very pleasant proportion wise, but on the other, at least you get the very worst of the crack over and done with. Really, the things I do for you people. I nearly gave myself an aneurysm picturing the Hall of Justice scene. XD Just kidding. I love doing things for you people.

Yeah, earlier warnings as per the first chapter really start to apply now.

Enjoy.

-----X3-----

"Will the former Shichibukai, Sir Crocodile, come forth to the stand."

It was not a question the Fleet Admiral brayed into the echoing chamber, but an order. Crocodile resented this fact and glared murderously at Sengoku the Buddha as he did as he was bid. Deprived of his customary cigar, and having been thwarted by those damned mugiwara brats, the megalomaniac hardly felt charitable.

Indeed, the keiroseki cuffs that cinched his wrists and clanked with his every movement were the only things that kept the Sandman from slaughtering the entire assembly at his whim and escaping.

Well...that and the many thousands of marine officials that stood between here (the Hall of Judgement) and freedom (outside)...but hell would freeze over before he admitted _that _before the present company.

The present company being Sengoku, representing both the five Gorousei—all being _far too busy _to attend—and himself; the three admirals, Aokiji, Akainu, and Kizaru; vice-admirals Tsuru and Momonga, and, last but not least; all six remaining Shichibukai.

Crocodile's previous "co-workers" you might say, seemed completely indifferent to the fact that one of their own was being sentenced to incarceration in the world's worst prison to date before his impending death sentence was fixed. Instead, they hovered in their own little worlds, miles away from everyone else despite the fact they sat within inches of one another.

Juraquille Mihawk, sword stuck in the floor beside him, was currently petting a sleek white cat in his lap. That was new.

Gecko Moria was twiddling his thumbs and occasionally letting out a muted, but nevertheless shrill, cackle.

Boa Hancock commandeered her chair like the Empress she was and looked so far down on everyone she looked up. Snooty cow.

Fishman Jimbei appeared to be so bored his eyes were actually drooping shut every now and again.

Bartholomew Kuma was...well, inscrutable as always, clutching his bible and staring into space.

And Donquixote Doflamingo... was picking his nose...using the finger of some unnamed marine officer...nasty.

_Bastards...imperious bitch...they'll pay for this...soon as I'm out of these cuffs..._

"Crocodile!"

He was jerked from his murderous fantasies when the Fleet Admiral spoke again.

"You stand here accused of treason against the World Government. How do you plead?"

Crocodile rolled his eyes.

"Regardless of what I say, Sengoku, you will, without a doubt, have me imprisoned. Remind me again why we're putting up this shit? It's a waste of everyone's time."

"Unlike you to be considerate Crocodile-kun," Doflamingo sneered as he considered a particularly gruesome wad of snot. Murmurs of agreement arose from the other five warlords as Crocodile's lip curled in distaste.

"Hold your tongue, fruity. I don't associate with _your _kind."

"What'd you just say to me, bitch!"

Freed from Doflamingo's body controlling ability, the marine officer fled.

"Why you..."

"Silence," rasped Tsuru, flexing her gnarled hands.

Understanding the threat all too well (damn, that old hag was scary when she got mad), the two men did as they were told.

"Crocodile. How do you plead?"

He didn't answer, choosing instead to remain stoically silent. More than just a few present minds were of the opinion that he looked a right prat doing so. Sengoku merely nodded, as if he expected the answer—or rather the lack of it—and reached for his gavel.

"Very well. Crocodile, I sentence you..."

_Billib billib billib._

The hand faltered momentarily. Everyone in the present company glanced around in confusion.

Sengoku tried again.

"Crocodile, I sentence..."

_Billib billib billib._

"Is that...a Den Den Mushi?"

"What do you think, your royal fruitiness?"

"Bitch, I'm gonna..."

"Quiet!"

_Billib billib billib._

"Oooh," Kizaru started patting himself down before turning to Aokiji, seated to his right, "Is that yooours, or miiiine?"

"It's mine," Sengoku sighed as he reached under his chair and brought out the snail phone. Turning his back to the assembled Shichibukai (not the smartest move in the book) and his subordinates, he answered it.

_Billib—Keching._

"Yes, Fleet Admiral Sengoku speaking?"

The strangest accent he'd ever heard in his life assaulted his ears.

"Eez dees da commandah av da Mareens, Svengokuuu?"

"Yes this is...huh? What?"

Sengoku decided he must have imagined the muffled snicker coming through the line.

_Heh, someone laughing at the most powerful man in the Marines, what an amusing notion._

All the same, a thrill of foreboding ran through him at the sound of the voice.

"Eez dees..."

"No no, I heard what you said. Why did you ask me who I was when I just...never mind. Who are you?"

"Ah am uh Mareen. Ah wuk for yu."

Who the hell in the Marines had a voice like _that_?

"...What do you want?"

"Hehe...uh...ah am lyuking for sometink....oh, ah meen somevon."

There went Sengoku's alarm bells, tinkling quietly but insistently. All the same, the Fleet Admiral could not bark out a swift dismissal and send the caller on his way, as he wished to. It was almost like someone had jacked his voice box and was speaking for him.

"And who might this 'someone' be?"

A pause. Those stifled giggles didn't sound so imaginary now.

"...Amanda...Hugankiss..."

Ding-a-ling-a-ling! Forget alarm bells; Sengoku had pretty much a whole symphony orchestra clanging, whistling and hooting for his attention.

He opened his mouth to furiously berate this idiot (_Garp, it's gotta be Garp!_) for calling and wasting his time with such an obvious prank call but what came out was:

"Amanda...Hugankiss...? Quick! Admirals! Search the building! I ask that you find me Amanda Hugankiss! On the double!"

The room fell as silent as the grave, everyone staring in mute horror at the Fleet Admiral. Aokiji shared a wide-eyed glance with Akainu, both of them thinking the same thing.

_How did Sengoku...the Buddha...the Fleet Admiral...head of the entire Marines...fall for that old prank?! It's ancient! _

The Shichibukai gawped. Yes...all of them. Jimbei, Kuma, and Mihawk included. Even Mihawk's cat got in on the action.

"What the..?"

"Mrow?"

"Hmm?!"

"Kishishishi...?"

"When then..."

"This is..."

"Yeah..."

"Che."

Crocodile was quick to overcome his initial shock and examine his chains. Maybe he could use this chance to escape and...damn it. Tsuru had, likewise, recovered and was now giving him the evil eye.

Sengoku sat gaping in silence, the Den Den Mushi speaker held limply in his hand, snorts and guffaws occasionally emitted from the snail's mouth, and his eyes bulging. Inside, he was screaming.

_I did not just say that...I did not just say that...please god, tell me I didn't just say that..._

"Sengoku-san?" Tsuru reached out hesitantly to check his forehead.

_A fever...yes! Thank you Tsuru-chan! I'm delusional...I must be...it's all in my head...all in my head..._

And then his mouth opened again.

"Now! Aokiji! Akainu! Kizaru! Go find me Amanda Hugankiss! I must find Amanda Hugankiss!"

Well now, there's not a lot you can do when the second most powerful man in the Government orders you to do something; even if he does appear completely off his rocker.

The admirals sprang from their chairs, fleeing from the room to find this so-called Amanda Hugankiss. Knowing such a woman didn't exist, they did not hold high hopes for their cock-and-bull search.

Well, except Kizaru. Ever the clueless idiot; he probably didn't even get the implications behind the name...and that their _Fleet Admiral_ of all people had blurted it out...before all seven Shichibukai no less.

"Ooooh, you never know. We might have a woman here by that name," he crooned cheerfully, preparing to dash for the Office of Registry Files at the speed of light.

His two companions sighed and sweat-dropped as Akainu sent a small, fiery ball of lava at Kizaru's gleaming yellow backside.

Back in the Hall of Justice the world fell apart a little at the seams as Sengoku slammed his head down into the most epic face-desk ever performed by a military official, and started sobbing.

"Whhhhhy!? Whhhhy did I fall for that!? Oh, why is the world so cruuuuuuel?! It's like back in fifth grade! They all used to gang up on me in the showers after gym and trick me into saying stupid stuff! It's not my fault I had a small wienie...or that I wore glasses! Whhhhy am I hated soooo!"

Momonga scooted his chair closer and put a comforting arm around his superior's shoulders, cooing and clucking words of sympathy in a voice just a tad higher and more feminine than it should have been.

Vice-Admiral Tsuru eased the Den Mushi speaker from Sengoku's hand and spoke into it angrily, her eyes positively spitting sparks.

"If you don't tell me who this is right now, I swear I'll have this call traced and send the entire might of a Buster Call on your sorry..."

"Bahahaha! Tsuru-chwaaaan! Did you like our little prank? Bahahaha!"

"Damn it Garp, what's the meaning of this!?"

"Don't get pissy lil' missy..."

"Silence! I'll kill you!'

"Show me your panties when I get back to H.Q, darling! Don't get them all in a twist now! Bahaha!"

"MONKEY D. GARP, I SINCERELY HOPE FOR YOUR SAKE YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH BECAUSE WHEN I NEXT SEE YOU I'M GOING TO TAKE THOSE MINI DONUTS YOU'RE ALWAYS SCARFING DOWN AND SHOVE THEM RIGHT UP...!"

_Keching._

Tsuru held the speaker at arm's length and said with some trepidation as tears filled her eyes:

"He hung up on me..."

Momonga spared her an understanding glance amidst his attempts at consoling Sengoku, who was now outwardly contemplating the pros and cons of hara-kiri.

"Baby cakes, take it from me; it's not you, it's him—shhhhh honey, shhhhh—You deserve a man...a real man—hey hey, it's ok, it's ok—and just doesn't quite cut it honey," Momonga huffed as he performed a hugely gay hair flip and an even gayer wrist flick.

"You really think so?"

Tsuru twined her fingers in the Den Mushi cord, looking for all in the world like a self-conscious teenager before a first date. Yeah, you know the sort.

"Honey, you're gorgeous. Just look at that figure! Garp's going to be soooooo sorry he missed out on a cutie like you."

"Ohmigosh, I've like, never had anyone say something so nice to me!"

"Oh-em-gee! You and me both, girlfriend!"

"Soul sisters!" they trilled in unison. They would have no doubt leapt into one another's arms for a great, gushing session of hugs and girlish chatter, had they not been interrupted by a loud, particularly traumatised wail, courtesy of Sengoku.

Up until this point, the Shichibukai had done nothing but sit quietly and watch the proceedings with steadily mounting horror, each one with their own separate theories as to why today was so bizarrely out of the ordinary.

Then, inevitably, Doflamingo got bored. And when that happened, he decided to tear the world's seams just that itsy bit further. Well, his initial plan had been to say some shit to further provoke the high-ranking marine officials into doing more embarrassing stuff, but unfortunately for him, the very same other-worldly powers that were controlling aforementioned marines, decided to shower him with attention.

His pink, feather clad figure turned to Crocodile—attempting to not-so-stealthily remove his keiroseki cuffs—and grinned toothily. No doubt it was his idea of a seductive leer.

"Oi...Croccy-boy?"

"...eh?!" the sandman jerked his head up, scowling furiously at having his escape attempt discovered and thwarted. He blanched at the expression on Doflamingo's face, but was quick to cover it with scorn.

"What do you want fruity?"

Doflamingo ignored the insult this time, his disconcerting smile growing ever wider instead. He stood, placing his legs wide apart and his hands on his hips. The shades he wore seemed to glint menacingly.

"Well Crocodile-kun, tragic as it is, I'm just too damn cool and sexy... "

Hancock let out a particularly unladylike snort. Doflamingo ignored her.

"...to remain entertained for long. Simply speaking, I'm bored."

"...so?"

"Wanna hook up?"

"HUUUUH?"

The collective outburst from the remaining warlords seemed to have no effect on Crocodile. His jaw dropped ever so slightly at the flamboyant man's comment, and it took a while for decent comeback to spring forth to the front of his mind.

He opened his mouth to fire back a sharp rebuke for making an off colour joke about his left hand—yes the one with the _hook_—when a strange numbing sensation spread through his mouth and he felt his lips moving at their own accord.

"Why Doflamingo-sama, you sexy beast, I thought you'd never ask," he whispered coyly.

A hot uke blush spread like wildfire across his scarred cheeks, and he giggled breathily, bringing one hand up daintily to conceal his mouth.

Moria's eyes bulged.

"Hah!?" screeched Hancock.

"...the fuck?" choked Mihawk.

"What is going on?" Jimbei hissed in Kuma's ear, sure that if anyone knew, it was the Marines' pirate-turned-lapdog.

The stoic man didn't answer. Instead, he watched in a kind of dazed, fascinated, revulsion as Doflamingo made his way over to Crocodile, shoved him into a chair and forced his hand into the chained man's legs, lewdly thrusting his tongue between a pair of delectably chapped lips.

"Ngh.."

A tiny rivulet of blood trickled from Kuma's nose as he buried his head into his bible out of sheer desperation. Jimbei was sure he felt his grasp on reality being torn violently away when he realised the giant bear-like man was still sneaking covert peeks over the top of his holy book at the couple now viciously grinding into one another.

Hancock put a tentative hand to her mouth, sparkling tears welling up in her ocean blue eyes.

"Oh my god..."

Mihawk cradled his cat in his arms, placing a hand gently in front of the feline's face.

"Don't look Alphonse. Your eyes will be burned in their sockets."

"_Alphonse_?" Moria spat, derision curling his lip.

"Quiet, lizard-boy or I'll slap you."

"You'll _slap..."_

"Yes, damn it! I'll slap you! Now get out of my face!"

Any further argument between the two was abruptly cut off when Hancock let out a startling, yet very attractive, howl of despair.

"Oh be silent, you disgusting men! Those two are lucky!" she pointed at Doflamingo and Crocodile, the former with his mouth between the latter's legs. Crocodile was looking thoroughly ravished, his skin pink and glistening faintly with sweat, eyes glazed over, and a hand clamped between his teeth, unsuccessfully stifling wanton moans.

"L...l...lucky...?" Jimbei stammered. Kuma slumped against him, blood pouring profusely from his nose and his large frame shuddering uncontrollably from the loss of it.

"Yes, lucky! As they are both as hideous as each other..."

A small "Oi!" went unnoticed from the floor.

"...they have no problems being attracted to one another."

She sniffled delicately into a silken handkerchief, no doubt pulled from her ample cleavage at some point. Even with red-rimmed eyes and snot dribbling from her nose, it was clear she could still give any man a hard on.

Well, besides Mihawk and Jimbei. But that's only because one was gay and the other a different species.

Gecko Moria quietly shifted to hide his growing—and very much ignored—arousal.

"...what's that got to do with anything?"

"Fool fishman! Is it not obvious!?"

"...um?"

"I'm so sexually frustrated right now, I'm almost willing to forsake my pride just for a quick shag!"

"Your pride?"

"Yes, my pride! Stop repeating what I say!"

"What exactly to you mean by pride!?"

"Idiot! You're as stupid as you are ugly! Do you honestly think that I'd lower myself as to bed someone of inferior beauty?! I am appalled, you'd suggest such a thing!"

The three males seemed to consider this. Not out of any actual concern for the empress' problem, of course, but as the only alternative was listening to the moaning and impossibly loud slurping still coming from the two entwined Shichibukai on the floor, the obvious choice had to be the former.

"Masturbation?" Jimbei eventually suggested. Hancock sighed, somehow managing to look outrageously condescending even while her head tilted back towards the ceiling.

"Like I said, if there's no one good-looking enough for me to do, then I'm hardly going to fantasize about them am I? And what's the point of touching yourself if you have no mental stimulation?"

More consideration.

"So I don't suppose you find him attractive then?" Moria gestured to Mihawk.

Hancock's head snapped forward to catch his gaze is a searing glare. Moria flinched back from the force of her King's Disposition.

"Like hell," she sniffed, turning her nose up.

Mihawk wilted from rejection and crawled into a corner to sulk with his cat. A blue haze descended above his head as he muttered darkly to himself and Alphonse.

"Worthless...I'm totally worthless...I'll never get laid...never get to molest that sexy green sapling with three swords...molest? Oh god, I'm a whore...a filthy whore...no worse...I'm a dog...the lowest of dogs...a dog of the _government, _no less....woof!"

Jimbei, Moria, and Hancock all watched with varying levels of interest as Mihawk threw his head back and started howling, much like a child trying to imitate a wolf. His voice cracked pathetically attempting to reach the high notes.

"Damn, that worked better than Perona's negativity trick."

"Harsh, Hancock."

"Whatever Jimbei, it's good for that over-inflated ego of his."

"You're not one to talk..." the Fishman muttered.

"Oi, ever thought of a mirror?" Moria tossed out snidely.

The Empress stared at him for a full thirty seconds, enough time to have him squirming in discomfort, before leaping bodily into his lap and kissing him full on the mouth. Then she leant back and slapped him across the cheek.

"Bastard...you're hideous...but I owe you."

In the time it took Moria to blink and fully comprehend exactly what the hottest woman on the Grandline had just done to him, she was gone, hooting and hollering as she sped down the hallways beyond the Hall of Judgement.

"A carrot! My pirate ship for a carrot!"

This request bemused Jimbei.

"Why the hell would she want..." his eyes widened as a rather unwanted epiphany struck. He buried his head in his webbed hands.

"Forget I ever asked," he groaned.

"Kishishishishi," cackled Moria, relishing the mind rape Hancock had unknowingly inflicted upon the fishman. Then he frowned as he remembered his little...problem.

"Damn it! That woman shocked me so much with her damn kiss; I forgot to ask her to take care of this while she was in my lap." He gestured vaguely to his crotch, deciding to ignore how little of an impression his straining erection made against his tight pants.

Jimbei glared at him in disgust.

"You repulse me."

"I suppose that means you won't take care of it either?"

Moria backed up when Jimbei's demonic aura darkened the air around him, bringing about a pungent stench of seaweed, brine, and water-bloated corpses.

"Alright, alight, calm down. I was kidding."

Glancing around, he took in his other options of release. Sure, he _could _have done it himself but his motto was "You do it!"

Crocodile and Doflamingo had rolled behind a chair in their erotic activities. Judging by the very loud squelching noises, heated dirty talk, and throaty cries, that was probably a good thing.

Not an option.

Mihawk...

...not an option. No reason needed.

Kuma...

...hmm...Kuma.

He was currently lying in a pool of his own blood, that which had been spewed from both nasal cavities at an alarming rate.

_Looks like he's not adverse to gay porn then. _

Moria bared his teeth in a grin befitting a sexual deviant, and stalked over to the unconscious Kuma with terrifying stealth. Summoning his shadow form, he made it grab Kuma's ankles, and proceed to drag him after Moria into a conveniently placed closet.

Having just watched this rather obvious display of intention to rape, Jimbei decided he'd had enough, and headed towards the door.

Glancing up from her chat with the now extremely camp Momonga—Sengoku had finally worn himself out with all the wailing and was now sleeping with his head in her lap—Tsuru spotted him making his escape.

"Shichibukai Jimbei-san."

He stopped with one webbed hand on the door handle.

"Hai?"

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to go and find a very high place, and throw myself from the top of it. With any luck, I'll land in the sea, hit my head on a rock, and drown."

Tsuru gave him a very odd look.

"Jimbei...you're a fishman...you can breathe underwater."

Jimbei blinked.

Then he went and joined Mihawk in his sulky little corner of despair.

"God damn it."

-----X3-----

Ok, so now that I have thoroughly mind-raped you all, I'd appreciate it if you kept the chase-her-with-torches-and-pitchforks vendetta to a minimum until the weekend's over. I've got babysitting I need to do. Ta very much. XD

Truly, if you think I should stop posting this kind of mind warping rubbish, review and tell me. Defiling innocents is not a favourite pastime of mine...ohhhh, you sly buggers you! You saw right through me! I LIVE to defile the minds of the innocents!

Yes! Revel in my sick-mindedness. Muahahahah!

But yeah, seriously. The review button is very clickable. :D


	4. Onward Men

A/N: Basically all dialogue. So you shouldn't have to put up with any disturbing graphic images I've just described to you...in great detail...with evident enjoyment. XD

Ladies and Gentlemen...Monkey D. Garp.

-----X3-----

"Bahahahaha! He fell right for that one, didn't he Bogart?"

"Indeed he did, sir."

"Bahahaha!"

"Vice-Admiral Garp-sama, this is serious! The Fleet Admiral will have your head!"

"Settle down Koby. Nothing's going to happen to me. After all, it's not like I'm acting on my own free will."

"...huh?"

"It's true, Helmeppo-kun. Since this morning, I've felt a rather disturbing lack of control over all my bodily functions."

"A little too much information there, sir."

'Bogart, you idiot! I didn't mean it like that!"

"Wait, wait, wait, you mean to say that you're being controlled?"

"It would appear so."

"...then how are you telling us this? Why would the person controlling you let you pass on this information?"

"Well, to be honest, I'm not sure myself. Whoever is—or rather, was—controlling me, is allowing me to speak and act as I wish right now. My words and actions were only really out of my jurisdiction when I made that prank call."

A snigger.

"Really, the energy emitted by my...puppeteer—shall we say?—isn't really as malicious as mischievous."

"I'm not sure if I'm truly reassured by that fact, Vice Admiral Garp-sama."

"Nonsense Koby. Really, what harm could have come from this?"

"Your girlfriend didn't sound too happy with you, sir..."

"...not to mention you hung up on her...Garp-sama."

"You sounded entirely too gleeful reminding me of that, Helmeppo."

"Sorry."

"Still, you're both right....now then, let's see, let's see. Ah yes, she likes carnations. Bogart! We must send her a bouquet at the next island we stop at."

"If you say so, sir."

"I do say so, now where's my cup of tea?'

"Right beside your newspaper Garp-sama."

"Ah, so it is...mmm, nice and hot, just the-GYAAAAAH!"

"ERK!"

"KYAAA!"

"NEHEE!"

"Sir, don't scare me like that! I nearly took off the boys' heads!"

"You what!"

"...I resign."

"Helmeppo! Smarten up!"

"Yes sir."

"My pyromaniac pervert of a grandson has escaped from Impel Down!"

"WHAAAAT?!"

"Look here! It says so right in my paper!"

"Impossible! Impel Down is impenetrable! No one can get in, or out!"

"Well, it appears that that's no longer true."

"How did he do it?"

"The paper says it was thanks to a Den Mushi camera failure. Just the one went bye bye, and the whole system came crashing down."

"What a load of tripe, sir."

"I agree."

"Vice Admiral Garp-sama, you have a Den Mushi fax."

"Well look at that, so I do."

Garp snatched the paper and started to read avidly. Then he burst out laughing.

"What is it, Garp-sama?"

"The true account of my grandson's escape."

"...and?"

"It would seem that the Chief Warden suddenly and inexplicably ordered every single guard on duty to have a giant, free-for-all orgy. Ace managed to steal a pair of dropped keys during the confusion, make his way to the top level, steal a small boat and make his way from there."

Four ringing sets of laugher echoed around the room before trailing off into merry chuckles.

"No seriously, sir. What happened?"

"It's the truth, damn it. Read for yourself."

The paper was thrust into the faces of Garp's three subordinates.

"...oh my god."

"What is happening in the world?"

"I have to agree with Helmeppo, Garp-san."

"Bogart, go upstairs and inform our navigator we have a change in destination."

"Yes sir. Where to?"

"We're going to follow the Strawhat pirates. If Ace is heading anywhere, it would be there. He's too far away to receive any help from Whitebeard at this point."

"Ah, I thought that we were unaware of the Strawhats' whereabouts, Vice-Admiral Garp-sama."

"Officially, and according to Sengoku, yes. Unofficially, and not according to Sengoku, no. What kind of grandfather would I be if I was unable to pop up on my grandson's boat at any given moment to pay him a visit?"

"...that's a rather scary thought."

"Helmeppo, need I give you a taste of the fists of love?"

"No sir."

"Too bad."

There were three audible thuds.

"Ow."

"Thank you, Vice-Admiral Garp-sama."

"You're welcome, Koby. You have good manners."

"Was it really necessary to hit me too, sir?"

Garp completely ignored the question.

"Come along Bogart, upstairs we go."

A resigned sigh.

"Yes sir."

"Garp-sama."

"Hmm?"

"What if that thing comes back to control you again?"

"Oh I wouldn't worry about that," Garp said airily over his shoulder as he departed upstairs with his sword-toting right hand man.

"After all, I get the feeling that whoever was controlling me is no longer interested in what I do. I have fulfilled my purpose in their grand plan and they are now focusing on getting someone else to do their bidding."

There was awkward silence. Garp shrugged.

"Just a feeling, you know."

And he left, leaving Koby and Helmeppo alone in his cabin.

After a few minutes a tremulous voice was heard.

"Um...Koby?"

"Yes, Helmeppo-chan?"

"Why are you taking your pants off?"

-----X3-----

If Tsuru doesn't end up being Luffy's grandmother when all is said and done, One Piece will feel oddly anti-climactic to me. Therefore, to prevent that, I've decided to fulfill my freakish desires for old people love, and write fics offering obscure (and perhaps not so obscure) references to pairings.

For the record. Koby/Helmeppo is yummy. *drools*

No, this story is not over. There are still more chapters to come. Namely with the Strawhats (with additional Ace, for Acedia-et-Avaritia of course), and the Eleven Supernovas.


End file.
